I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I hate when that happens.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.