The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
The days of good grammer has went
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.