I’m having an out of money experience.
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
It’s the weekend y’all
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
From my Mom
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN