Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
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We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?