[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
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Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
fr
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Noted.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Uh oh…
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
The Birdles
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird