Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.