Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
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“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say