I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.