“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
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At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Everything reminds me of my ex
guys i’ve cracked the code
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*