[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
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😅🤣😂
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”