*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Smooooooth