mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
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roman lesbians: *caesaring*
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
it was a valiant fight
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.