[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
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I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.