* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Every time my phone rings
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Follow me for more recipes
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…