“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
You Might Also Like
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I’m crying im so happy for them
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
What about second breakfast?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.