What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
You Might Also Like
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Always…
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”