seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]