Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
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adding to the discourse
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
(2022)
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.