I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
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My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.