Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
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My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Ron is short for Aaronald
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog