Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
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Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
The best shot in the history of golf
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
What personal space?
My dog
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Terribly Tuesday.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before