I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.