I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 馃檨
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Her: I can鈥檛 do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where鈥檚 this coming from?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It鈥檚 like he stood there and thought about it.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there鈥檚 someone for everybody.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that鈥檚 not human, I don鈥檛 know what is.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I鈥檓 tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Interviewer: Let鈥檚 start with a simple question; what鈥檚 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You鈥檙e hired!
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Ninety percent of the body鈥檚 serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me