Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
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I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.