Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
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God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying