I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
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*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume