If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.