It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
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Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Lmao the reply
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.