“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine