Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage