me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
*ernest hemingway voice*
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?