wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
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looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*