Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
You Might Also Like
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.