Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease