If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
You Might Also Like
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
How did we not see this back then?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I don’t think my car can fly