My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?