My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Love it! 👍😂
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.