DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
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Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Love is in the air fryer.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.