Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
a public service announcement
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*