It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
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I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
titanic