Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*