my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
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anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.