Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
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4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
BRO LMFAO
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.