My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
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Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
#oldknees
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
what could possibly go wrong?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
A drum solo but on your face.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled