Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
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[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
listen closely
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.