My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
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Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
[shakes fist at other fist]
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”