Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
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My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Left at a local drug store…
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
They got a point!
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!