*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
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I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Not all heroes wear capes….
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball