Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
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[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Finally, a door that understands me
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
why does this building look like a guilty dog