me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Great acting.. 😂
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train